ᵡ⌋ looĸιn’ all ѕaιlor мoon ‘n ѕнιт || ‘ S1 E1-4 ’

THE INSUFFERABLE NEED to prove self-worth shadows all attempts to introduce herself regularly when she’s known contemptuously as ‘ THE NEW GIRL. ’ Fucking herself from the start, knife to skin, she pushes the imagination of her perception. Presenting only naturally to the girl that looked past her erratic decisions, she begins to find rooting in the jagged soil beneath her.

Escalating emotions confuse her as she navigates the tensions before her, relying on Rue’s support in friendship while she falls, consciously, for an online persona of what she believes to want from a man. Aware of the feelings Rue has towards her, resulting in the stunting of expanding friendships she wishes to follow, she tends to her as she falls deeper into her addictions, confronting her on their terms together.

Conflating her conflicting relations, she falls deeper into her inconsistencies, using Rue to help her take nudes for her digital romance knowing the mutual attraction they avoid communicating. She tests the waters, pushing Rue away, to then tell her of the meeting she’s to have with her date ; prompting Rue to grow jealous in concern, she leaves hurt in the lack of support. Rue then confronting her emotions, follows her home where she expresses her support &. worries, where she hugs Rue endearingly, impulsively admitting her love for her, where Rue kisses her &. rushes out in panic.

Come the carnival, she grows in her friendships, attending with her friends outside of Rue. Wanting to define herself further from the support Rue relies upon, she accepts Rue in loving embrace when they see each other. Emotions pulling her in different directions. The two fuck around together, causing trouble in subtle ways, until she goes to meet her date in a hushed approach. There, she learns the toxic identity of the catfish she fell in love with, realizing the weight of her decisions. Jeopardizing her safety, as well as Rue’s, due to an infatuated blurriness hazing her perception ; dawning the introspection of her sexuality.

Confiding in Rue, a stolen moment hidden beneath her covers, carrying the pain in vague tongue, she silently, unintentional, solidifies the relationship between them two. Uncertain in her future, her safety, her expression &. identity, she rests cautiously.

During this time, Jules is discovering where she fits among the populace at East Highland. Expressing herself in hyper-femininity, she latches onto the one person she feels sees her as her &. not as a body they cannot understand. As she grows with Rue, she seeks to have more comforting relationships with the groups around her, struggling to do so in a feeling of dependency to Rue &. her sobriety. Using Tyler as an escape from that weight, she convinces herself of his genuine interest in her, the heightened infatuation that follows what could be.

When all is revealed, she feels sick, a pit in her stomach caused by the swallowing of her own tongue. She questions her attractions, what it is she’s looking for, how she even wants to present herself. Confiding in Rue because she’s nowhere else to go, no one else to feel safety in, restricted in her friendships, she, mistakenly, cements their relationship.

ᵡ⌋ ғυcĸed wιтн yoυr gender eхpreѕѕιon || ‘ S1 E5-8 ’

BITING, BLEEDING TORMENT plagues her everyday life, from Nate’s threats to her family’s struggles, she’s unable to find the eye in this raging storm for even a moment. Providing false testimony for Nate’s malevolent intent sending her into a depressive state. Soon after, as she prepares for a needed break from normality at her friend’s Halloween party, she’s met with a coordinated attack orchestrated by her father.

Coming home from school to find her mother sitting on the couch, she rushes past in animosity, cursing out her father. The bitter stab of seeing her mother, after all these years, as if nothing had happened, as if she had never abandoned them; &. for her father, the one person she thought she could trust, to deliberately fuck her over like this. Apologies come heavy from the sunken tongue, &. she would not forgive her mother’s.

Their fighting leading her mother to slip out unnoticed, unable to process the hate &. trauma buried deep in her daughter; the family soon discovers her relapse, hospitalizing her.

That needed break weighing too heavy to enjoy, to have to be present with the girl that reminded her most of her mom, she took to following in those footsteps. Drinking herself out of rationality, she began admitting hesitation in her relationship to Rue, later confirming so when Nate arrives, leaving her flustered &. angry.

Everything, all at once, causes her to withdraw &. grow distant from Rue. Deciding to visit an old friend from the city, she rides with TC to their apartment; there she meets Anna, a woman who reminds her of every positive trait she sees in Rue. Allowing freedom to flow through her body, she discovers an aspect of her identity veiled from her. Tripping on psychedelics with Anna, bathing in the washful touch brought by her, she breaths, grasping the whole of her body for the first time. The next morning she texts Rue she misses her.

Preparing for the dance together, she dresses Rue in femininity, retailing her adventure. Upon meeting with their friends, bonding over a shared distaste in schooling, the two break off. She tells Rue about Anna, how she’s enamored with her, her femininity, her look on life. Rue asks if she loves her, &. while she says yes, she feels it’s not the same love you would hold for a partner, but a fleeting lust. One that planted the seed of self-actualization. The things she loves about Anna reign true in Rue ; she knew her too short to know what she would hate about her.

When Rue asks if she loves her, she says yes. That she loves Rue, but that Rue should love her the same, should want to kiss her not to kiss her, but as a way to show her love to her. Rue’s response is to run away together, board a train, move in together . . . something she had told Rue she dreamed of, ever since she was young.

They leave. She packs her bags, gets Rue to get her bags, buys them the ticket, then steps on board. Rue expresses her hesitation, her fear. She’s conflicted, impulsive, she knows, in her decisions, but conflicted in her response. She’s fully &. completely understanding of Rue’s staying behind, the worry it would cause her family, the difficulties in moving, but that’s the same reason she’s angry. Together, things are going to be difficult no matter what, no matter where they go, so why can’t Rue just bite the bullet?

The tension between them cultivating deeper fears of abandonment, hate, rejection . . . Choosing to stay aboard, she drowns in a storm of emotion, consumed by the rain between them.

Throughout this pain, Jules is struggling between herself &. Rue. The back-to-back blows of her digital crush threatening her &. her mother’s coordinated attack sends her in a spiral of depression. Biting her tongue in communication, she both tells it like it is, yet holds her own. Her love for Rue lost in the mud with her hate for Amy, she sees too many similarities that hold the same fighting love. She decides to get away, cut herself off from not only her relationship, but from her friends as well.

City living, sleeping with Anna, late conversations, they all start her expedition on self-discovery ; utilizing the doubts she held already, she begins to find herself lost in gender identity, sexuality, &. what it means to be Jules. When she comes back, she’s excited to learn more, to share it with Rue to see what she can gain with her. That communicating becoming difficult as insecurities are shared, she sees the opportunity to run away as exactly what she needs. Something she has always dreamed of . . .

When Rue stays behind, despite what she can rationalize, she’s hurt. She’s let down, failed in her ambitions, severing the connection she built in her head with Rue. She doesn’t back down out of fear of herself, what it would mean for her. Choosing to let freedom flow through her in hopes it’d give her the same cleansing it had before.

ᵡ⌋ вeaυтy ιѕ ιn тнe eye oғ тнe ѕea вloв || ‘ SPECIAL EPISODE ’

FICKLE, POUNDING DRIPS into an echoing pool draining faster than it can fill, she punishes herself during her time away looking for the plug to stop it. Coping in a staggered approach, she puts distance between her physical self &. all that she’s left behind, hoping to close the distance between her mind &. body.

She spends several months traveling away from it all, from Rue, East Highland, from the pain of seeing her father’s regret. She utilizes therapy, on her own terms, recanting conversations she’s already had knowing it will lead to more. She’s depressed, she’s angry, she’s worried, she’s bitter, she holds &. she releases, she’s everything &. nothing. She’s Jules, yet, she’s not.

The burden she feels, that she’s the reason for Rue’s sobriety, how that entangles itself to her mother’s selfish actions.

That she loves Rue, that she’s the only person in her life to love her for who she truly is ; no strings attached, no ulterior motives. Having to be the crutch that saves the fallen from death, however, hangs heavy. Having seen it before, she can’t continue like this. Having fallen in love with an idol before Rue, a catfish that she had always known was nothing more than pure fucking imagination, forces her thoughts.

While she deeply cares for Rue, she still carries that attachment to ‘ Tyler ’ ; an attachment to the thrills. The heightened tensions, interests, the genuine questions of care, &. the fulfilling, passionate, hollow sexting. How this personified man could pleasure her more than any one person.

How this leads to her own perception of self. How she feels ‘ performative ’ about femininity for as long as she’s been trans. That she performs femininity for men in order to please the, that she chases the sex &. gratification from men to affirm her feminine identity. This attraction to men becoming the realization that it was never present, almost forced. She talks about how being trans is ‘ deeply spiritual ’ for her, expressing femininity as a trans woman is vital to who she is, yet, she’s been able to embrace masculinity as a trans woman more so now than she ever could before. All of this leading to her consideration of detransitioning. She no longer feels the need to validate men, &. in doing so, no longer feels she needs to put on the farce of womanhood, that she’s considering stopping hormone replacement therapy, at least, ridding herself of her testosterone blockers.

She begins to find the conclusion that, while gender is changing, her sexuality has been present to her her whole life ; that she’s been framing her womanhood around men, when she is no longer interested in men.

Throughout all this, she daydreams of living in the city, in the apartment she’s always wanted, with the person she loves most. Her &. Rue share this space, her attending fashion school, carrying projects &. clothes with her, &. Rue seemingly happy in doing what she does. Yet, throughout the dream, she cannot push away the reality of her situation. That, even in a perfect world, she’s responsible for Rue’s sobriety. That, even in the dream, Rue manages to hold, use, &. overdose on the drugs that are killing her now. In this dream she comes home to find her locked in the bathroom, dead.

Being able to work through this trauma, session by session, coping mechanism by organizational skill, she falls into a pattern of healing. Filtering her intrusive thoughts, giving herself the space to express her gender identity, to give herself time away from Rue, to spend it with friends. She doesn’t cure her depression, she doesn’t make happy, but she starts her path to do so. Only to have it blocked come Christmas Eve, when Rue comes to visit her, to deflect her apology, &. to retreat as she always has.

Jules allows herself to fall into a sensibile depression. She knows who she is, as buried as it be, that she’s impulsive, a poor decision-maker, that if she were to bottle &. bottle &. bottle every little thing that came her way, she could find herself at the end of the road her mother paved. So, she takes the opportunity forced onto her. She seeks therapy, knowing that it won’t solve anything, but to give her the perspective to try.

During her months spent here, she pushes it all away as best she can ; keeping contact with friends through calls &. msgs, linking up as often as her schedule allows it, pursuing her creative fashions, doing as much to keep Rue &. her mother &. all that weighs on her out of her mind, leaving that to therapy. She lays a solid track in front of her, one that bends &. twists as soon as Rue introduces herself back into her life, but a track that heads forward all the same.

ᵡ⌋ c’мon – ι ĸnow yoυr naмe jewel || ‘ S2 E1-4 ’

YOUR SIDE OF her empty bed, the sheets untouched from Rue’s last visit, she laid fetal. A teary eyed mess, broken down in two sentences, everything she worked through in therapy. The looming wish to someday communicate exactly how she feels, how she feels for Rue, how she loves her, wants her to do better, to communicate her own problems &. to be accepted for them.

In the following months, she distances herself from Rue, allowing herself to grow as an individual, changing her appearance, playing with gender identity, reconnecting with friends she’d forgotten. Party after party, the tacit faith that Rue’d be there. Eventually, as luck would have it, she would – but she’d be with another.

Taking the initiative, she steps in front of Rue, takes a breath, &. chokes on her tongue.

Rue tells her that she relapsed the night she left on the train, the responsibility of sobriety crushing her shoulders, as she leaves the party. Unable to process this, she holds back tears &. falls into old habits. Before she can, though, Rue confronts her again, telling her outright she loves her. They share a kiss, finally embracing the love they’d felt for one another, refusing the acknowledge the jealousy &. worry that lie just beneath.

As the school year progresses, she becomes wary of Rue &. Elliot’s relationship, noticing them spending more time together &. in increasing comfort. Unaware, however, that the two of them have been taking drugs together ever since they met. During this time, she continues to attend therapy, journal, find what it is she wants &. how to communicate it properly. Attempting to be there for Rue as much as she’ll let her, she feels a growing distance from Rue.

Their relationship becoming strained – as Rue fakes pleasure from her, spending more time with Elliot – she starts to wonder if it’s worth continuing. Not sure how to handle the situation, she spends more time away from Rue, occasionally questioning Elliot, hanging out with the girls that will give her attention without the drama of a relationship. Unable to avoid being in the triangle of her, Rue, &. Elliot, she entertains spending time together in hopes that becoming better friends with Elliot will strengthen her connection with Rue.

However, the time they spend together leads to jealousy between them, using Elliot as a pawn &. means to avoid communication, Rue gets the group of them steal some alcohol, drinking herself deep. Expressing the anger Rue’s holding towards her, while she expresses her concern. Leading to a blowout from Rue, that forces Elliot’s confession that Rue had been lying to her face &. behind her back. That, with him, she’d been staying high &. lying about her sobriety.

Her reaction met with disarray, ranging from animosity towards Rlliot to desperation for Rue, she fails to properly handle everything she’s been told. She chooses to push it all down, just for now, to make a plan with Elliot to stage an intervention for rue. That he doesn’t get a choice, he has to help her after everything he’s done to her.

Therapy being the biggest point of growth for Jules, she finds herself unable to learn how to communicate everything she feels &. thinks, even to a third party. From the time she first went through the beginning of the school year, she learns how to cope, how to focus on herself, what areas of her life need improvement &. how to improve them. But not once does she learn how to overcome the self-doubt, the biting tongue that prevents her from saying what she needs to. All this, in turn with Rue’s deceit, builds to the end of their relationship.

At first, feeling their relationship can really work, that therapy has set her on the best path, spending time with friends, doing well in school, almost happy with life ; it falls just short as her suspicions &. worries become more &. more true. Elliot breeding anger in her, she’s kind out of respect for Rue, but does not understand the attraction to him.

Come the blowout, Jules is bewildered at Rue’s behavior. Forcing her intimacy on Elliot when she knows her sexuality, the push to drink &. then bite the hand that feeds her. When the confession explains her erratic decisions, Jules can’t pick up the pieces thrown in front of her. She knows she no longer wants to see Elliot around, not her &. not Rue if she’ll let him, but that, for now, she’ll need his help to get her clean.

ᵡ⌋ wнaт ι wanт ғroм yoυ ιѕ ѕweeт || ‘ S2 E5-8 ’

SUPPRESSION IN TRAUMA of Rue’s outburst, she holds in strength for her. Back steady in support as Rue begins her withdrawal ; broken, just under the surface, she holds back every tear she wishes she could cry, telling Rue that she loves her ( &. she truly does ). Rue, in her rage, cuts ties from them, running away entirely. From here on, she begins her seclusion. Telling elliot she no longer wants to see him around, that it’d be best for the both of them if he stays out of their lives. That his help was good but it was repenting.

No longer having the fortitude to see her therapist, she chooses to ignore her emotions, hoping they stay down under for as long as they can. She tries to give Rue the space she needs at first, knowing she has her own battle to fight, that her presence can interrupt the whole process.

She attempts to work on herself, pick up where she left off, coming to terms with her gender, her friends, her aspirations. She focuses on bettering herself with this time, this pain. Learning to cry, she begins coming to terms that, while Rue is the right person, this is the wrong time, for both of them.

Preparing what she wants to say &. how, she attends Lexi’s play, wanting to support her friend and hoping to catch Rue there. Throughout the performance, though she finds it entertaining, she feels a weight from the trauma that’s being rehashed on stage, especially that what’s pointed towards Rue. When she runs into her in the bathroom, she’s ready to lay her heart out, but as Rue is wont to do, she leaves before Jules can say anything.

Waiting through all the drama on stage, agreeing in the points made by Cassie, holding concern for how her friends will turn out, she sets her mind on catching Rue after the house lights turn on. Doing so, she walks over to her &. opens her heart. Apologizing for what she put her through, that she did so because she loves her, that she misses her. She goes on to say that, even though she feels they’re right for each other, that now is simply the wrong time for them. That Rue must focus on her sobriety, that any relationship will detract from that, &. that, more than anything, she wants to see Rue get better.

After the two end things amicably, Jules tells her she’ll always be there for her but that she’s going to be making some major changes in her life as well. That, now, she’ll be putting herself first, maintaining friendships with those that actually care for her, &. ultimately work towards becoming the best artist she can so that she can attend her dream college.

Leaving behind her first love, broken, she finishes her night congratulating Lexi, checking in on her friends, &. leaving alone to better plan her future.

The lessons she’s learned, the pain that she needn’t go through, Jules has learned how to communicate, even if it’s small, what she needs to say. Watching her love suffer in the same way her mother had, recognizing now, firsthand, how her mother suffered to begin with, she would need to swallow her pride &. prepare what to say. She cuts ties with Elliot, heated at his involvement, & annexes herself away from friends, family, & herself. Utilizing the space to hurt, to cry &. wallow until she can confront the words she wants to say.

Everyday, repeating it in her mirror, she rehearses what she’s planning to say to Rue. As she the words become lighter, she starts opening back again, connecting with the people she’d closed out. Proud of Lexi, of Maddy, worried for Cassie &. relationship with Nate, she steps back into the skin she’d worked so hard to find. When the time comes, she doesn’t hesitate, she admits her feelings outright, but that she knows the timing could never be right enough.

With the two of them having matured past their silent fights, they work through everything that’s happened between them, albeit in their own muddled ways. Half-addressing Rue’s withdrawal, Jules’ leaving at the train, everything that happened with Elliot. They decide, together, to end things where they are, for the growth of each other.

YOUTHFUL EXPRESSION WAS complex for as long as she could remember, from her first bout of depression in reaction to what she would discover as gender dysphoria to open communication to those that parented her. She was never the kid she was told to be. Learning too early the addictive relief of self-harm, she managed to carve moments of ecstasy in a young life of pain. These moments’ veil lifting as she grew too negligent in her practice, leading to the discovery of her harm to her mother.

Before she was even an adolescent, Amy had deceived her daughter into the thoughtless care of a psychiatric hospital. Heartless in her daughter’s gender expression &. struggle, she assumed the professionals here would ‘ fix ’ her somber state. During this time, Jules grew an animosity towards her mother, the betrayal she forced upon her own daughter ( &. for what ? ).

A few years had passed, despite the torment of traditional healthcare, Jules came out in a deeper understanding of her body. She began her transition. The next few years growing the confidence in herself, her body &. image, her personality &. ambitions, who she was meant to be ; all the while contrasting the steady decline in her mother’s health. The woman having already strained her relationship with Jules, addiction was running its course.

Dependent on her vice to function through the day, she was sent through rehab by her husband, David, who quit his job to support his daughter through, not only this pain, but her transition as well. The one steady rock in a river of flowing rapids. A rock that would move itself away from the river that would try to drown it.

Come the start of her Junior Year, Jules had become the ‘ New Girl in Town ’ no one had heard of until she befriended Kat during summer school. She would soon make herself known, when Kat invites her to a party being thrown between her friend group &. plenty of college kids. Originally blowing her off, she stopped first at a hook up she had met online by the name of ‘ DominantDaddy ’. Doubtful at first, she headed in to see him, lied about her age, fucked, then stole a glance at his phone before getting dressed to leave while he was showering.

She arrived at the party anxious &. wandering, finding herself in the kitchen looking out for the friend that dragged her here. Before she could, a hostile football player confronted her in front of everyone, clawing a scene out of her, hoping to ‘ reveal ’ her transness. In impulsive power, she cuts her forearm open with the nearest knife, telling him that she’s invincible, to not fuck with her.

After promptly abandoning the party, she runs into Rue, who follows her home &. helps bandage her up. The two fall asleep together, wake up the next morning, trip, then begin their bond. The first day of school leaving them both on edge. Seeming inseparable now, Rue invites her over to join her family in dinner, but Jules remains hesitant, hastily drawing attention away from her. Later that night, she begins texting another man she met online, but one closer in age. He goes by Tyler &. shows a genuine interest in her person. Her infatuation in him grows. Shortly after, she’s thrown in the deep end caring for Rue after she was force-fed fentanyl. During this time she cares for Rue, growing distant as her state reminds her too closely of her mother.

When they wake in her bed the next morning, Jules addresses her concerns to Rue, telling her she “ won’t be friends with someone who’s gonna fucking kill themself. ” Rue promises to stay clean for her, which puts an uneasy weight on her shoulders.

In the coming days, Jules falls deeper in love with Tyler as he asks her questions day &. night, wanting to know more about her, sending her loving texts, &. eventually nudes. This obvious infatuation pushing Rue away, straining their friendship, she asks Rue if she’ll help her send her own nudes. The two have a photoshoot, where Jules tests the waters asking if Rue finds them attractive, which prompts her to leave early. Later, she tells Rue about meeting Tyler after the carnival that week.

Rue expresses her concern, mentioning safety, in which Jules responds bitterly, saying this would be the only time the two could meet &. that Rue herself has been in dozens of unsafe situations with no care for those around her. Jules then skips school, leading Rue to come to her house to apologize, tell her she just wants her to be safe but that she’ll support her no matter what. Jules then hugs her, telling her that she loves her, where Rue answers back with a kiss that leaves Jules in shock as Rue storms out.

That weekend the two attend the carnival with separate people, Jules joining Kat while Rue watches over her sister. Jules has decided to meet Tyler after the fair, but embraces Rue when she sees her there, at the same time. From then on the two spend all their time together at the carnival, where Jules sees the man she slept with before the first party she attended. She tells Rue &. the two freak out as they discover that it’s Nate’s father, the kid she cut herself in front of.

Jules, in another powermove, orders food from him, that then leads him to beg Jules to stay quiet for the sake of his family. Never intending to come forward about it, she promises not to say anything as long as she gets left alone. Following this, she goes out to meet Tyler that she then sees is Nate himself. He intimidates her, telling her everything he felt was true but that if she ever do anything against him or his family that he would share her nudes &. report them.

She confides in Rue, spending the night with her, venting her emotional distress with her. Though they haven’t communicated it, Rue declares their relationship to her mother ( later tested by Ali, Rue’s sponsor, who claims their relationship won’t last ). Later, they go rollerskating where Jules takes her home, yet has troubles falling asleep ; kept up by her worry of Nate, Cal, &. the true nature of her relationship with Rue.

After some time, Nate confronts Jules again, forcing her to tell the police that she saw Tyler ( the guy that fucked Maddy in the pool at the same party Jules cut herself ) attack Maddy. Out of fear, she files a false testimony for Nate, leaving her in a depressive state.

As everyone gears up for a Halloween party, David jumps his daughter with a visit from her mother. Amy is there as part of her recovery, needing to make amends with the daughter she neglected to care for, hoping to rekindle something with Jules. Who is rightfully hostile with her father, a visit from her mother being the last thing she needs in her life right now, saying that she could never forgive her for abandoning them. Their fighting leads Amy to disappear before Jules comes down to see her. The family finds out a week later that she was hospitalized after a relapse.

At the party, Rue expresses her concern for Jules’ heavy drinking, unknowing of her situation, Jules just wishes to forget it all. During this chaos, Jules admits her hesitation in their relationship, mentioning how unsteady she feels with Rue. Rue then confirms her suspicions when she notices Jules reaction to Nate attending the party, where she is visibly uncomfortable with his presence.

Everything, all at once, causes Jules to withdraw &. grow distant from Rue, sending her into a manic-depression. After Rue learns about what Nate holds over Jules, she intimidates him from doing anything against her, Fezco, or Jules. During this time, Jules decides to visit her old friends from when she used to live in the city. TC comes to pick her up, take her back to their place where she meets Anna, someone who shares all the positive qualities of Rue. That night the group of them go to the club, trip on psychedelics, &. share a sexual experience ; during which she hallucinates both Rue &. Nate. The following morning she texts Rue that she misses her.

They quickly reconcile as she returns from the city, attending the dance together. During which Jules admits that she’s in love with both Rue &. Anna ( though she feels she loves Anna for the reasons she loves Rue ). This causes Rue to suggest the two of them take a train to the city &. run away together, which Jules takes this seriously. She grabs Rue, runs home, collects her stuff, Rue’s stuff, buys them a ticket, and they begin boarding the train. Rue hesitates, broken by what her family would think, that she herself isn’t ready, &. stays behind as Jules chooses to stay on board alone.

During that six months she’s gone, Jules attends her first ( &. ongoing ) therapy session. Here she self-discovers various topics from Rue, to her family, to considering a detransition. Rue, she believes, is the only person in her life to love her for who she truly is ; no strings attached, no ulterior motives. She admits resenting the burden of having to preserve Rue's sobriety by being constantly available to her, something that has weighed on her since the two first met. Hardly able to communicate now, even to a third party. Having to be the crutch that saves someone from death hangs the head heavy. She goes on to reveal the pain she still carries from her mother’s relapse, how she can’t forgive her, even when she’s suffering. Her therapist points out how these complicated feelings echo in how she feels about Rue, that the parallels between these two stories could help her better understand how to handle them.

She confides further that, while she deeply cares for Rue, she still carries an attachment to ‘ Tyler ’, Nate’s catfish persona. She explains in detail the thrill of the relationship, it all being built &. heightened in her head. She knew it was fantasy, even then, but that the trading of nudes, the sexting, the constant attention, it all added to this pedestaled persona of who she was talking to. Admitting that the sexting with Tyler remains some of the best sex she’s had, even though it was never real.

This leads her into describing the complex look on femininity she has. That she’s felt ‘ performative ’ about it for as long as she’s been trans. That she performs femininity for men in order to please them, that she chases sex / gratification from men to affirm her feminine identity. But, that in these past few months, has discovered she’s never had that attraction to men she once thought she possessed. She talks about how being trans is ‘ deeply spiritual ’ for her, expressing femininity as a trans woman is vital to who she is, yet, she’s been able to embrace masculinity as a trans woman more so now than she ever could before. That this whole experience has led to her considering detransitioning. She no longer feels the need to validate men, &. in doing so, no longer feels she needs to put on the farce of womanhood, that she’s considering stopping her hormone replacement therapy, at least, ridding herself of her testosterone blockers. She begins finding the conclusion that, while gender is changing, her sexuality has been present to her her whole life ; that she’s been framing her womanhood around men, when she is no longer interested in men.

Throughout her entire session, she daydreams of living in the city, in the apartment she’s always wanted, with the person she loves most. Her &. Rue share this space, her attending fashion school, carrying projects &. clothes with her, &. Rue seemingly happy doing what she does. Yet, throughout the dream, she cannot push away the reality of her situation. That, even in a perfect world, she’s responsible for Rue’s sobriety. That, even in the dream, Rue manages to hold, use, &. overdose on the drugs that are killing her now. In this dream she comes home to find her locked in the bathroom, dead.

When Jules returns home for Christmas, Rue pays her a sudden visit on her way to meet Ali. Here she tells Jules that she just wanted to see her, that she missed her. Jules begins to apologize for leaving, struggling to find the words ; Rue responds similarly, simply apologizing for crying, then wishing her a Merry Christmas before leaving as abruptly as she appeared. Breaking Jules down into a teary mess, wishing she was able to properly communicate just how Rue makes her feel, the love she has for her.

In the following months, Jules distances herself from Rue, allowing herself to grow as an individual, changing her appearance, playing with her gender identity. Connecting with Kat, who introduced her to all her current friends. She attends parties, in hopes to see Rue, but mostly to strengthen her friendships with everyone else. One night, when Rue meets Elliot, she runs into Rue, having seen her step outside. There Rue confesses that she relapsed the night Jules took the train alone. Unable to process this, she takes time to be with her friends. Unable to push the thought out of her head, Rue confronts her, telling her that she loves her, &. she says it back. They share a kiss that cements their relationship to one another. Jules noticed, however, Rue had been spending her time with a new friend, Elliot, that planted a seed of jealousy.

As the school year progresses, Jules becomes wary at Rue &. Elliot’s relationship, noticing them spending more time together &. in increasing comfort. Unaware, however, that the two of them have been taking drugs together ever since they met. During this time, Jules continues to attend therapy, journal, find what it is she wants &. how to communicate it properly. Attempting to be there for Rue as much as she’ll let her, she feels a growing distance from Rue.

Their relationship becoming strained, as Rue fakes pleasure from her, spending more time with Elliot, Jules starts to wonder if it’s worth continuing. Not sure how to handle the situation, she spends more time away from Rue, occasionally questioning Elliot, hanging out with the girls that will give her attention without the drama of a relationship. Unable to avoid being in the triangle of her, Rue, &. Elliot, she entertains spending time together in hopes that becoming better friends with Elliot will strengthen her connection with Rue.

However, the time they spend together leads to jealousy between them, using Elliot as a pawn &. means to avoid communication, Rue gets the group of them to leave to get alcohol. She begins drinking in front of Jules, expressing the anger she’s holding towards her, while Jules expresses her concern. Rue blows up, abandoning the group in a toxic rage.

While she leaves behind Jules, Elliot confesses that Rue has been lying to her face &. behind her back. That, with him, she’s been staying high &. lying about her sobriety. That she’s in possession of more drugs than even he realized &. that they would need to help her get clean. Jules reaction deeply mixed, ranging from animosity towards Elliot to desperation for Rue, she isn’t able to properly handle everything she’s been told. She chooses to push it all down, just for now, to make a plan with Elliot to stage an intervention for Rue. That he doesn’t get a choice, he has to help after everything he’s done to her.

Choosing to hate him later, the two bring this information to Leslie, Rue’s mother, who then helps go through her stuff, disposing of all her drugs &. planning to handle the backlash as a group. The next day, when Rue awakes, she begins going manic, paranoid at the loss of her drugs, what she owes, &. how it’ll affect her, she confronts Jules &. Elliot who sit in the living room. Jules, broken, keeps together as strong she can, holding back every tear she wishes she could cry, telling Rue that she loves her ( &. she truly does ). Rue, in her rage, cuts ties with the two of them, running away entirely.

After suppressing the trauma of her outburst, Jules tells Elliot she no longer wants to see him around, that it’d be best for the both of them if he stays out of their lives. That his help was good but it wasn’t repenting. She then continues on, no longer having the fortitude to see her therapist, she chooses to ignore her emotions, hoping they stay down under for as long as they can.
She tries to give Rue the space she needs at first, knowing she has her own battle to fight, that her presence can interrupt the whole process. She attempts to work on herself, pick up where she left off, comin